confused

I'm hungry but i don't want to eat. I'm tired but i don't want to sleep.
I wake up with tears still in my eyes, and find it hard to believe there's still stars in the skies.
I want to cry but no tears come out. I want to scream but I just can't shout.
I walk down the alley, one step after the other, and fall into the finale.
Life isn't what I wanted it to be. I'm not the same person I was three years ago.
I can't control the ride God has taken me on.
My thoughts are just dancing in my head.
I don't know where to turn.
I look up to Him, but don't hear an answer.
I want to write, but theres a block. I want to whisper, but I can't talk.
I want to feel all these fairy-tale feelings, but instead I get shoved in the corner with all the other dealings
"Darling," one will say, "It'll all be OK."
I wish, I wish I could go back to the day it all started.
I was four.
It was her fortieth birthday party in Vegas.
"SURPRISE!!" everyone yelled.
I walked into the hotel room and saw familiar faces.
All her friends.
Her mother pulled me aside.
"You'll be staying with us while she is here with friends"
It wouldn't be too bad.
How else was I supposed to know.
I was four.
As we hurriedly walked back to the elevators, I was excited.
I went to bed that night thinking of all the little four year old thoughts that existed in my head.
Sugarplums, fairies, teddybears, ladybugs.
I woke up that next morning and watched cartoons.
Around noon, they arrived.
Her posse followed her around.
They huddled around the bar.
I wanted to be part of the action, so I sprung up from the couch to go be a part of the conversation.
When I went right behind her, she stepped back and the two inch heel on her new black sling backs pierced my small toe.
I ran to her mother and told her what happened.
She didn't think anything of it, but the pain got worse and the blood dripped out.
I went up to her and slightly yanked at the back of her shirt to get her attention.
She turned around with an angry face and through gritted teeth told me to go to my room.
I refused to go.
I didn't understand what was going on.
What was all of this?
A new side of her.
I couldn't believe myself when she grabbed my arm and took me around the corner.
"Go to your room" she said, even angrier then before.
I started crying and limped back to my makeshift bed.
That was the day it all started.
The day our relationship ended.
I can't think of it without crying.
The fights have just gotten worse.
The pain increases by the second.
The tears come out more often, and I just can't take it anymore.
They say when you're depressed to find the root cause of it all and eradicate it.
Well, I found it, but it'll never go away.
And now there's no one to turn to.

Love may be louder then the pressure t be perfect but when there's no love to go around, Perfection is key

     So I'm not a typical girl. I don't always want to go shopping, I don't always wear skirts. I'm not perfect. And that's ok. But when its shoved in one's face, pain is inflicted. These past couple months have been rough. With golf, my grades have suffered. I haven't gotten enough sleep in order to finish all my homework. I've had to spend all my free lunch periods in teachers rooms to get caught up. I can't have everything I want, especially the one thing I want most. Senior valedictorian. That means a 5.0, 24/7. I think I have all D's, one C, and one F. So i'm not the brightest stick in the bunch. I've put lots of hard work into being better in school.
     But that's just school. When I do better in school, I don't do so well at home. Home's supposed to be a safe place, but why do i seem to be under constant evaluation, and get attacked when i'm most vulnerable? Why can't I relax in what is supposed to be my bedroom? A bedroom is a place for you to sleep, and have be your own. That doesn't happen. People waltz in and shout a long tirade which results in tears and more yelling. I can't take it anymore. Can anyone help? Does anyone hear my endless plead?
     I can't keep doing this. I can't do all my homework, get good grades, and then forget to be a "family" girl like my supposed "family" knew and loved. You get one or the other. Do you want to be as so selfish and demand I be there for you? So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain. I thought i could, but theres a fine line from laughing and crying. I thought i knew what love was. I thought I knew what to do to be successful in life.
     That was when I had someone to run to. But when that someone decides to not have a shoulder to cry on, where does that leave me? I can't out my burden on people I barely know. I can't do it. I just
can't.
I don't want to.
I don't want you in my life
I don't want any of you.
You bring nothing but a sense of failure and pain.
Each teardrop that falls is a dagger in my back, driven in to the bone.
     There's a common courtesy to chose your battles. Don't tell someone they're lying. If you're going to fight, pick your battles. I'm not a shady person. I don't lie. I don't want to cry. I don't want the drama. I don't want the pressure to be perfect. I only want to be happy. But right now, I can't even do that without you criticizing my every move. I want to run and get away from it all, but we all know what would happen if i did that. Cops would be called, people would hear, I'd get nowhere. I wouldn't know what to do if i did run away.
     I wish i was numb. I didn't have to feel all this. I didn't have to put up with all your shit, but yet i listen to is every f**k**g single day. Just do everyone a favor and disown me. That's all i want.
No love.
-maddie