So I'm not a typical girl. I don't always want to go shopping, I don't always wear skirts. I'm not perfect. And that's ok. But when its shoved in one's face, pain is inflicted. These past couple months have been rough. With golf, my grades have suffered. I haven't gotten enough sleep in order to finish all my homework. I've had to spend all my free lunch periods in teachers rooms to get caught up. I can't have everything I want, especially the one thing I want most. Senior valedictorian. That means a 5.0, 24/7. I think I have all D's, one C, and one F. So i'm not the brightest stick in the bunch. I've put lots of hard work into being better in school.
But that's just school. When I do better in school, I don't do so well at home. Home's supposed to be a safe place, but why do i seem to be under constant evaluation, and get attacked when i'm most vulnerable? Why can't I relax in what is supposed to be my bedroom? A bedroom is a place for you to sleep, and have be your own. That doesn't happen. People waltz in and shout a long tirade which results in tears and more yelling. I can't take it anymore. Can anyone help? Does anyone hear my endless plead?
I can't keep doing this. I can't do all my homework, get good grades, and then forget to be a "family" girl like my supposed "family" knew and loved. You get one or the other. Do you want to be as so selfish and demand I be there for you? So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain. I thought i could, but theres a fine line from laughing and crying. I thought i knew what love was. I thought I knew what to do to be successful in life.
That was when I had someone to run to. But when that someone decides to not have a shoulder to cry on, where does that leave me? I can't out my burden on people I barely know. I can't do it. I just
can't.
I don't want to.
I don't want you in my life
I don't want any of you.
You bring nothing but a sense of failure and pain.
Each teardrop that falls is a dagger in my back, driven in to the bone.
There's a common courtesy to chose your battles. Don't tell someone they're lying. If you're going to fight, pick your battles. I'm not a shady person. I don't lie. I don't want to cry. I don't want the drama. I don't want the pressure to be perfect. I only want to be happy. But right now, I can't even do that without you criticizing my every move. I want to run and get away from it all, but we all know what would happen if i did that. Cops would be called, people would hear, I'd get nowhere. I wouldn't know what to do if i did run away.
I wish i was numb. I didn't have to feel all this. I didn't have to put up with all your shit, but yet i listen to is every f**k**g single day. Just do everyone a favor and disown me. That's all i want.
No love.
-maddie
:(
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