confused

I'm hungry but i don't want to eat. I'm tired but i don't want to sleep.
I wake up with tears still in my eyes, and find it hard to believe there's still stars in the skies.
I want to cry but no tears come out. I want to scream but I just can't shout.
I walk down the alley, one step after the other, and fall into the finale.
Life isn't what I wanted it to be. I'm not the same person I was three years ago.
I can't control the ride God has taken me on.
My thoughts are just dancing in my head.
I don't know where to turn.
I look up to Him, but don't hear an answer.
I want to write, but theres a block. I want to whisper, but I can't talk.
I want to feel all these fairy-tale feelings, but instead I get shoved in the corner with all the other dealings
"Darling," one will say, "It'll all be OK."
I wish, I wish I could go back to the day it all started.
I was four.
It was her fortieth birthday party in Vegas.
"SURPRISE!!" everyone yelled.
I walked into the hotel room and saw familiar faces.
All her friends.
Her mother pulled me aside.
"You'll be staying with us while she is here with friends"
It wouldn't be too bad.
How else was I supposed to know.
I was four.
As we hurriedly walked back to the elevators, I was excited.
I went to bed that night thinking of all the little four year old thoughts that existed in my head.
Sugarplums, fairies, teddybears, ladybugs.
I woke up that next morning and watched cartoons.
Around noon, they arrived.
Her posse followed her around.
They huddled around the bar.
I wanted to be part of the action, so I sprung up from the couch to go be a part of the conversation.
When I went right behind her, she stepped back and the two inch heel on her new black sling backs pierced my small toe.
I ran to her mother and told her what happened.
She didn't think anything of it, but the pain got worse and the blood dripped out.
I went up to her and slightly yanked at the back of her shirt to get her attention.
She turned around with an angry face and through gritted teeth told me to go to my room.
I refused to go.
I didn't understand what was going on.
What was all of this?
A new side of her.
I couldn't believe myself when she grabbed my arm and took me around the corner.
"Go to your room" she said, even angrier then before.
I started crying and limped back to my makeshift bed.
That was the day it all started.
The day our relationship ended.
I can't think of it without crying.
The fights have just gotten worse.
The pain increases by the second.
The tears come out more often, and I just can't take it anymore.
They say when you're depressed to find the root cause of it all and eradicate it.
Well, I found it, but it'll never go away.
And now there's no one to turn to.