confused

I'm hungry but i don't want to eat. I'm tired but i don't want to sleep.
I wake up with tears still in my eyes, and find it hard to believe there's still stars in the skies.
I want to cry but no tears come out. I want to scream but I just can't shout.
I walk down the alley, one step after the other, and fall into the finale.
Life isn't what I wanted it to be. I'm not the same person I was three years ago.
I can't control the ride God has taken me on.
My thoughts are just dancing in my head.
I don't know where to turn.
I look up to Him, but don't hear an answer.
I want to write, but theres a block. I want to whisper, but I can't talk.
I want to feel all these fairy-tale feelings, but instead I get shoved in the corner with all the other dealings
"Darling," one will say, "It'll all be OK."
I wish, I wish I could go back to the day it all started.
I was four.
It was her fortieth birthday party in Vegas.
"SURPRISE!!" everyone yelled.
I walked into the hotel room and saw familiar faces.
All her friends.
Her mother pulled me aside.
"You'll be staying with us while she is here with friends"
It wouldn't be too bad.
How else was I supposed to know.
I was four.
As we hurriedly walked back to the elevators, I was excited.
I went to bed that night thinking of all the little four year old thoughts that existed in my head.
Sugarplums, fairies, teddybears, ladybugs.
I woke up that next morning and watched cartoons.
Around noon, they arrived.
Her posse followed her around.
They huddled around the bar.
I wanted to be part of the action, so I sprung up from the couch to go be a part of the conversation.
When I went right behind her, she stepped back and the two inch heel on her new black sling backs pierced my small toe.
I ran to her mother and told her what happened.
She didn't think anything of it, but the pain got worse and the blood dripped out.
I went up to her and slightly yanked at the back of her shirt to get her attention.
She turned around with an angry face and through gritted teeth told me to go to my room.
I refused to go.
I didn't understand what was going on.
What was all of this?
A new side of her.
I couldn't believe myself when she grabbed my arm and took me around the corner.
"Go to your room" she said, even angrier then before.
I started crying and limped back to my makeshift bed.
That was the day it all started.
The day our relationship ended.
I can't think of it without crying.
The fights have just gotten worse.
The pain increases by the second.
The tears come out more often, and I just can't take it anymore.
They say when you're depressed to find the root cause of it all and eradicate it.
Well, I found it, but it'll never go away.
And now there's no one to turn to.

Love may be louder then the pressure t be perfect but when there's no love to go around, Perfection is key

     So I'm not a typical girl. I don't always want to go shopping, I don't always wear skirts. I'm not perfect. And that's ok. But when its shoved in one's face, pain is inflicted. These past couple months have been rough. With golf, my grades have suffered. I haven't gotten enough sleep in order to finish all my homework. I've had to spend all my free lunch periods in teachers rooms to get caught up. I can't have everything I want, especially the one thing I want most. Senior valedictorian. That means a 5.0, 24/7. I think I have all D's, one C, and one F. So i'm not the brightest stick in the bunch. I've put lots of hard work into being better in school.
     But that's just school. When I do better in school, I don't do so well at home. Home's supposed to be a safe place, but why do i seem to be under constant evaluation, and get attacked when i'm most vulnerable? Why can't I relax in what is supposed to be my bedroom? A bedroom is a place for you to sleep, and have be your own. That doesn't happen. People waltz in and shout a long tirade which results in tears and more yelling. I can't take it anymore. Can anyone help? Does anyone hear my endless plead?
     I can't keep doing this. I can't do all my homework, get good grades, and then forget to be a "family" girl like my supposed "family" knew and loved. You get one or the other. Do you want to be as so selfish and demand I be there for you? So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain. I thought i could, but theres a fine line from laughing and crying. I thought i knew what love was. I thought I knew what to do to be successful in life.
     That was when I had someone to run to. But when that someone decides to not have a shoulder to cry on, where does that leave me? I can't out my burden on people I barely know. I can't do it. I just
can't.
I don't want to.
I don't want you in my life
I don't want any of you.
You bring nothing but a sense of failure and pain.
Each teardrop that falls is a dagger in my back, driven in to the bone.
     There's a common courtesy to chose your battles. Don't tell someone they're lying. If you're going to fight, pick your battles. I'm not a shady person. I don't lie. I don't want to cry. I don't want the drama. I don't want the pressure to be perfect. I only want to be happy. But right now, I can't even do that without you criticizing my every move. I want to run and get away from it all, but we all know what would happen if i did that. Cops would be called, people would hear, I'd get nowhere. I wouldn't know what to do if i did run away.
     I wish i was numb. I didn't have to feel all this. I didn't have to put up with all your shit, but yet i listen to is every f**k**g single day. Just do everyone a favor and disown me. That's all i want.
No love.
-maddie

photos!!

fall in love with love. 

love has hate. 

hate means love

and hate is pain. 

but we must forgive and forget. 

eventhough it is so hard to do. 

i want to trust again. 

but i fall and no one catches me. 

so i love love again. 

and stay alone through happieness. 

that made no sense but whatevs ;)

love, 

Maddie 

A picture is worth a thousand words

I am a huge sucker for photography. The way a camera captures a scene, in an effortless manner. The way light can hit and change the entire mood of the peice. the way you can almost hear whats happening in the picture. But that’s all color photography.

Color’s opposite, black and white, has a way of translating in a whole new way. It can speak to a whole new crowd, and it can single out those who appreciate the fine arts. The darkness of the photo can be the lightest of all. 

there are some photographers who shoot primarily colorless. i learned how to develop pictures in black and white. My favorite present day photographer, Aneta Kowalczyk (don't ask me to pronounce that)

shoots in color, but her black and white portraits are breath taking. But one of my favorite (Late) photographers is Garry Winogrand. he can take a shot at just the right time to capture the inexplainable movement of man. 

the photos are Garry Winogrand. aneta's website is http://www.anetakowalczyk.com/ 

check it out, and who knows, you might like ansel adams someday! 

Love, 

Maddie 

the truth

have you ever just want to come clean about something?
you write and re-write how you're going to say it. over and over.
but nothing sounds right.
you type everything out.
but delete it all at the last minute.
songs that describe you to no end.
but you're prince charming doesn't know.
and "Mr. Right" won't just waltz in.
fate is a tricky thing.
you don't decide anything anymore.
because with every decision you make, it was bound to happen at one point or another.
but the truth is,
i love you.
i can't say it at more of a point blank.
the thing is,
you don't know it.
you've been there for me when i needed you most.
I've turned my back on you but you never gave up.
and the sad thing is,
you like my best friend.
so I'll just wait for the right time.
because you're worth waiting for.

thoughts

there’s moments in life where i want simply nothing. nothing but to lay down in an open field and be left to my thoughts. but when ever i attempt that, i end up being pulled away, wisped into drama. when i get home, there’s supposed to be moment where you can relax, but with homework and all, there is no way. then on friday nights i stay up late blogging. theres not much else to do. my eyelids slowly drift down as i look at the computer screen. my fingers become slower in typing. i don’t want to sleep. sleep for me means nightmares. I don’t sleep well, and staying awake is way easier then being vulnerable to other people. humpback whales sleep one half of their brain at a time incase of attack. i wish i could sleep like that so i wouldn’t have to miss out on a regular social life. everywhere i go it seems as soon as i leave something good happens. i miss out on hippy circles in feilds. so before i go to bed i just think. i don’t care what i think about. i get lost in my thoughts. theres no way out once you enter. 

love quotes!

In my bedroom at my mothers, I have a huge cork board above my bead. i have some random swatches of black and white fabric.

I tried hanging up pictures of family, but something didn’t feel right about seeing those loved ones. My friends are the family I chose. I don’t regret any of my friendships, and I don’t ever want to. So when I went around looking for their pictures, I realized I didn’t have a lot. I had had too many friends to have over all at once at a birthday party, so why didn’t I have as many pictures? I put up as many pictures as I could find, but there was still empty space which bothered me. Then I discovered something. Love Quotes. Love quotes aren’t any ordinary type of literature. These come from either pain or happieness. I started printing off the quotes and re-writing them in colored sharpies. Seeing what someone wrote about their beloved other half is inspring and i only hope that someday those quotes will apply to all the people i love.

My favorite quotes at the moment:

“Love is just love, it can never be explained.”

     “There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

“When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.”

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel.”

When love is not madness, it is not love.  ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

Shall we compare our hearts to a garden -
with beautiful blooms, straggling weeds,
swooping birds and sunshine, rain -
and most importantly, seeds.
~Grey Livingston

Will you love me in December as you do in May,
Will you love me in the good old fashioned way?
When my hair has all turned gray,
Will you kiss me then and say,
That you love me in December as you do in May?
~James J. Walker

Love,

Maddie