I'm hungry but i don't want to eat. I'm tired but i don't want to sleep.
I wake up with tears still in my eyes, and find it hard to believe there's still stars in the skies.
I want to cry but no tears come out. I want to scream but I just can't shout.
I walk down the alley, one step after the other, and fall into the finale.
Life isn't what I wanted it to be. I'm not the same person I was three years ago.
I can't control the ride God has taken me on.
My thoughts are just dancing in my head.
I don't know where to turn.
I look up to Him, but don't hear an answer.
I want to write, but theres a block. I want to whisper, but I can't talk.
I want to feel all these fairy-tale feelings, but instead I get shoved in the corner with all the other dealings
"Darling," one will say, "It'll all be OK."
I wish, I wish I could go back to the day it all started.
I was four.
It was her fortieth birthday party in Vegas.
"SURPRISE!!" everyone yelled.
I walked into the hotel room and saw familiar faces.
All her friends.
Her mother pulled me aside.
"You'll be staying with us while she is here with friends"
It wouldn't be too bad.
How else was I supposed to know.
I was four.
As we hurriedly walked back to the elevators, I was excited.
I went to bed that night thinking of all the little four year old thoughts that existed in my head.
Sugarplums, fairies, teddybears, ladybugs.
I woke up that next morning and watched cartoons.
Around noon, they arrived.
Her posse followed her around.
They huddled around the bar.
I wanted to be part of the action, so I sprung up from the couch to go be a part of the conversation.
When I went right behind her, she stepped back and the two inch heel on her new black sling backs pierced my small toe.
I ran to her mother and told her what happened.
She didn't think anything of it, but the pain got worse and the blood dripped out.
I went up to her and slightly yanked at the back of her shirt to get her attention.
She turned around with an angry face and through gritted teeth told me to go to my room.
I refused to go.
I didn't understand what was going on.
What was all of this?
A new side of her.
I couldn't believe myself when she grabbed my arm and took me around the corner.
"Go to your room" she said, even angrier then before.
I started crying and limped back to my makeshift bed.
That was the day it all started.
The day our relationship ended.
I can't think of it without crying.
The fights have just gotten worse.
The pain increases by the second.
The tears come out more often, and I just can't take it anymore.
They say when you're depressed to find the root cause of it all and eradicate it.
Well, I found it, but it'll never go away.
And now there's no one to turn to.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Love may be louder then the pressure t be perfect but when there's no love to go around, Perfection is key
So I'm not a typical girl. I don't always want to go shopping, I don't always wear skirts. I'm not perfect. And that's ok. But when its shoved in one's face, pain is inflicted. These past couple months have been rough. With golf, my grades have suffered. I haven't gotten enough sleep in order to finish all my homework. I've had to spend all my free lunch periods in teachers rooms to get caught up. I can't have everything I want, especially the one thing I want most. Senior valedictorian. That means a 5.0, 24/7. I think I have all D's, one C, and one F. So i'm not the brightest stick in the bunch. I've put lots of hard work into being better in school.
But that's just school. When I do better in school, I don't do so well at home. Home's supposed to be a safe place, but why do i seem to be under constant evaluation, and get attacked when i'm most vulnerable? Why can't I relax in what is supposed to be my bedroom? A bedroom is a place for you to sleep, and have be your own. That doesn't happen. People waltz in and shout a long tirade which results in tears and more yelling. I can't take it anymore. Can anyone help? Does anyone hear my endless plead?
I can't keep doing this. I can't do all my homework, get good grades, and then forget to be a "family" girl like my supposed "family" knew and loved. You get one or the other. Do you want to be as so selfish and demand I be there for you? So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain. I thought i could, but theres a fine line from laughing and crying. I thought i knew what love was. I thought I knew what to do to be successful in life.
That was when I had someone to run to. But when that someone decides to not have a shoulder to cry on, where does that leave me? I can't out my burden on people I barely know. I can't do it. I just
can't.
I don't want to.
I don't want you in my life
I don't want any of you.
You bring nothing but a sense of failure and pain.
Each teardrop that falls is a dagger in my back, driven in to the bone.
There's a common courtesy to chose your battles. Don't tell someone they're lying. If you're going to fight, pick your battles. I'm not a shady person. I don't lie. I don't want to cry. I don't want the drama. I don't want the pressure to be perfect. I only want to be happy. But right now, I can't even do that without you criticizing my every move. I want to run and get away from it all, but we all know what would happen if i did that. Cops would be called, people would hear, I'd get nowhere. I wouldn't know what to do if i did run away.
I wish i was numb. I didn't have to feel all this. I didn't have to put up with all your shit, but yet i listen to is every f**k**g single day. Just do everyone a favor and disown me. That's all i want.
No love.
-maddie
But that's just school. When I do better in school, I don't do so well at home. Home's supposed to be a safe place, but why do i seem to be under constant evaluation, and get attacked when i'm most vulnerable? Why can't I relax in what is supposed to be my bedroom? A bedroom is a place for you to sleep, and have be your own. That doesn't happen. People waltz in and shout a long tirade which results in tears and more yelling. I can't take it anymore. Can anyone help? Does anyone hear my endless plead?
I can't keep doing this. I can't do all my homework, get good grades, and then forget to be a "family" girl like my supposed "family" knew and loved. You get one or the other. Do you want to be as so selfish and demand I be there for you? So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain. I thought i could, but theres a fine line from laughing and crying. I thought i knew what love was. I thought I knew what to do to be successful in life.
That was when I had someone to run to. But when that someone decides to not have a shoulder to cry on, where does that leave me? I can't out my burden on people I barely know. I can't do it. I just
can't.
I don't want to.
I don't want you in my life
I don't want any of you.
You bring nothing but a sense of failure and pain.
Each teardrop that falls is a dagger in my back, driven in to the bone.
There's a common courtesy to chose your battles. Don't tell someone they're lying. If you're going to fight, pick your battles. I'm not a shady person. I don't lie. I don't want to cry. I don't want the drama. I don't want the pressure to be perfect. I only want to be happy. But right now, I can't even do that without you criticizing my every move. I want to run and get away from it all, but we all know what would happen if i did that. Cops would be called, people would hear, I'd get nowhere. I wouldn't know what to do if i did run away.
I wish i was numb. I didn't have to feel all this. I didn't have to put up with all your shit, but yet i listen to is every f**k**g single day. Just do everyone a favor and disown me. That's all i want.
No love.
-maddie
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
photos!!
fall in love with love.
love has hate.
hate means love
and hate is pain.
but we must forgive and forget.
eventhough it is so hard to do.
i want to trust again.
but i fall and no one catches me.
so i love love again.
and stay alone through happieness.
that made no sense but whatevs ;)
love,
Maddie
A picture is worth a thousand words
I am a huge sucker for photography. The way a camera captures a scene, in an effortless manner. The way light can hit and change the entire mood of the peice. the way you can almost hear whats happening in the picture. But that’s all color photography.
there are some photographers who shoot primarily colorless. i learned how to develop pictures in black and white. My favorite present day photographer, Aneta Kowalczyk (don't ask me to pronounce that)
Color’s opposite, black and white, has a way of translating in a whole new way. It can speak to a whole new crowd, and it can single out those who appreciate the fine arts. The darkness of the photo can be the lightest of all.
there are some photographers who shoot primarily colorless. i learned how to develop pictures in black and white. My favorite present day photographer, Aneta Kowalczyk (don't ask me to pronounce that)shoots in color, but her black and white portraits are breath taking. But one of my favorite (Late) photographers is Garry Winogrand. he can take a shot at just the right time to capture the inexplainable movement of man.
the photos are Garry Winogrand. aneta's website is http://www.anetakowalczyk.com/
check it out, and who knows, you might like ansel adams someday!
Love,
Maddie
Saturday, June 11, 2011
the truth
have you ever just want to come clean about something?
you write and re-write how you're going to say it. over and over.
but nothing sounds right.
you type everything out.
but delete it all at the last minute.
songs that describe you to no end.
but you're prince charming doesn't know.
and "Mr. Right" won't just waltz in.
fate is a tricky thing.
you don't decide anything anymore.
because with every decision you make, it was bound to happen at one point or another.
but the truth is,
i love you.
i can't say it at more of a point blank.
the thing is,
you don't know it.
you've been there for me when i needed you most.
I've turned my back on you but you never gave up.
and the sad thing is,
you like my best friend.
so I'll just wait for the right time.
because you're worth waiting for.
you write and re-write how you're going to say it. over and over.
but nothing sounds right.
you type everything out.
but delete it all at the last minute.
songs that describe you to no end.
but you're prince charming doesn't know.
and "Mr. Right" won't just waltz in.
fate is a tricky thing.
you don't decide anything anymore.
because with every decision you make, it was bound to happen at one point or another.
but the truth is,
i love you.
i can't say it at more of a point blank.
the thing is,
you don't know it.
you've been there for me when i needed you most.
I've turned my back on you but you never gave up.
and the sad thing is,
you like my best friend.
so I'll just wait for the right time.
because you're worth waiting for.
Friday, June 3, 2011
thoughts
there’s moments in life where i want simply nothing. nothing but to lay down in an open field and be left to my thoughts. but when ever i attempt that, i end up being pulled away, wisped into drama. when i get home, there’s supposed to be moment where you can relax, but with homework and all, there is no way. then on friday nights i stay up late blogging. theres not much else to do. my eyelids slowly drift down as i look at the computer screen. my fingers become slower in typing. i don’t want to sleep. sleep for me means nightmares. I don’t sleep well, and staying awake is way easier then being vulnerable to other people. humpback whales sleep one half of their brain at a time incase of attack. i wish i could sleep like that so i wouldn’t have to miss out on a regular social life. everywhere i go it seems as soon as i leave something good happens. i miss out on hippy circles in feilds. so before i go to bed i just think. i don’t care what i think about. i get lost in my thoughts. theres no way out once you enter.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
love quotes!
In my bedroom at my mothers, I have a huge cork board above my bead. i have some random swatches of black and white fabric.
I tried hanging up pictures of family, but something didn’t feel right about seeing those loved ones. My friends are the family I chose. I don’t regret any of my friendships, and I don’t ever want to. So when I went around looking for their pictures, I realized I didn’t have a lot. I had had too many friends to have over all at once at a birthday party, so why didn’t I have as many pictures? I put up as many pictures as I could find, but there was still empty space which bothered me. Then I discovered something. Love Quotes. Love quotes aren’t any ordinary type of literature. These come from either pain or happieness. I started printing off the quotes and re-writing them in colored sharpies. Seeing what someone wrote about their beloved other half is inspring and i only hope that someday those quotes will apply to all the people i love.
My favorite quotes at the moment:
“Love is just love, it can never be explained.”
When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca
Shall we compare our hearts to a garden -
with beautiful blooms, straggling weeds,
swooping birds and sunshine, rain -
and most importantly, seeds.
~Grey Livingston
with beautiful blooms, straggling weeds,
swooping birds and sunshine, rain -
and most importantly, seeds.
~Grey Livingston
Will you love me in December as you do in May,
Will you love me in the good old fashioned way?
When my hair has all turned gray,
Will you kiss me then and say,
That you love me in December as you do in May?
~James J. Walker
Will you love me in the good old fashioned way?
When my hair has all turned gray,
Will you kiss me then and say,
That you love me in December as you do in May?
~James J. Walker
Love,
Maddie
Monday, May 30, 2011
my love horoscope. does it actually work?
From Elle: Everyone has control issues, but today, yours are rising to a Code Orange level. Just because you’re in on the planning of today’s festivities doesn’t give you the right to overrule other people’s idea or invitees. Keep it loose, Cancer, and don’t be so strict with that guest list. Some fresh blood could reinvigorate you, Cancer, and widen your own social network—and there’s no downside to that.
Response to elle: Yes, i am a control freak, but today was an off day. i didn't care about anything. i was a style free day with converse and an oversized tee with a baseball cap.
from yahoo:Don't let an offhand comment from your partner ruin your mood. Try not to react emotionally, especially if your head is telling you no harm was intended. Making a joke of it will diffuse the situation.
response to yahoo: Will didn't make an offhand comment today.... so i didn't make a joke...
from calastrology.com:Subtle feelings and relying on your intuition allow for an increasing buildup of emotional communication, as plans feel like they are coming ever closer to goals and dreams. Taking things slow and easy is the best way to keep a handle as try to pace yourself. The emotions you are looking for will come in their own time
response to castrology: Trust me, i've been taking things slow. you have no idea. I had an overwhelming swarm of happieness today. and nothing anyone said brought me down. i had super good self confidence.
from my dear valentine: Cancerians are protective and good lovers. But their impulsiveness and hesitant nature may trouble their relationships. Your mother's nosy nature may cause permanent damage to your love and relationship. Keep your ego down to maintain a happy household. Married couple should spend more time with each other this year. A baby may bring the happiness back in their relationship.
- Lucky day: Monday and Thursday
- Lucky number: 2, 7, 11, 16, 20, 25
- Stones for Cancer 2011: Pearl, Ruby, Moon stone.
- Lucky colors: Orange and white
- Lucky talisman: Sea Shells
- Cancer compatibility: Cancerians are compatible with scorpio, pisces, and Cancer while they are most incompatible with aries, Gemini, leo, and libra.
response to my dear valentine: yes, i am very protective. very very protective of any one of my friends, hell yes i am hesitant to do anything for fear it could make or break me. yes my mom's nosy nature is super annoying. I'm not married, but i have a boyfriend who i want to spend every living moment with. and i'm only thirteen, about to be fourteen. i don't want a baby!! my lucky day is thursday. i look forward to school on mondays. my lucky number is, has been, and always will be 28. my birthstone is pearl and moonstone. i love orange more and more everyday. and i have always loved white. i have a huge seashell collection downstairs. i do not get along with pisces at all. cancers yes. i don't know any scorpios. and i am most compatible with Sagittarius's, leo, virgo s, and aires.
I dare you to look up your horoscopes and see how accurate they are
love,
maddie
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
check out me new blog!
hey guys. sorry for another blog, but now, this very blog you are on right now, will be for more misc. purposes, but my new blog will be for my life. like i'll put stuff that happened that day, or how i'm feeling on there. If you're confused, don't worry. I am too!
thecutenerd28.blogspot.com
love,
maddie
thecutenerd28.blogspot.com
love,
maddie
Monday, May 23, 2011
likey likey!
when filling out a facebook profile, you're really put on the spot and you want to go back and add stuff later on. so i've been making random lists and thought i might share with you some of my likes:
~I want to have long hair
~pulling the pepperoni off of my pizza
~♥ "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control." ♥
~If your makeup isn't done your hair is a mess and your in your pjs and he still cant resist taking you into his arms, he's a keeper
~""Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and
~A good friend will come bail u out of jail but a TRUE friend will be sittin next 2 u sayin.. "DAMN WE FUCKED UP!"
~Weiner Dogs
~Indoor Rock Climbing
~Rockclimbing
~Blizzards
~Little black dress
~Chubby Cheeks
~Pearls
~Freckles
~Bow ties
~Curly Hair
~Polka Dots
~Not Caring What People Think
~Brie cheese
~Garden gnome
~Fuzzy Socks
~Dancing Like No One Is Watching
~Sunburns
~Comic Book Guy
~Eating Bananas
~Knitting
~Rainbows
~Beach volleyball
~Having Straight Teeth
~Doodling
~Brushing Teeth
~Glitter
~Unicorns
~Ray Ban Wayfarer
~riding shopping carts down hills!
~Pepperoni pizza
~I Want Long Hair
~I Love Falling Asleep in the Arms of Someone Who Loves Me
~Running Away
~I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you & smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i cant brighten my own. <3 <3
~She will chase you around for a while; but theres going to be a day when she's gonna stop running in circles around you. She's gonna get over you & at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you. ♥
~A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is.
~Every women deserves a man who looks at her every day like it's the first time he saw her.
~Don't shed your tears for someone who hurt you... Don't long for that person if they left... Don't feel sorry if you failed when you tried ur best...
~You Can Only Push a Girl Away for So Long Until She Walks Out of Your Life on Her Own
~Long Walks on the Beach
~English Bulldogs
~Holding hands
~Tea
~Poppies
~If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ♥
~French language
~Hanging Out With My Boyfriendwith Will Allstead
~Dying My Hair
~Laughing at Everything
~Sailing
~Being a California Girlwith Julie Guy
~I am strong because I am weak. I'm beautiful because I know my flaws. I'm a lover because I am a fighter. I'm fearless because I have been afraid. I'm wise because I have been foolish. & I can laugh because I Have known sadness.
~Laughing at Myself
~Smiling at the bitch who hates you, just because it makes her hate you even more :P
~Getting the Most Out of Life
~Writing Poetry
~Dance
~
~I want to have long hair
~pulling the pepperoni off of my pizza
~♥ "Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control." ♥
~If your makeup isn't done your hair is a mess and your in your pjs and he still cant resist taking you into his arms, he's a keeper
~""Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality, love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and
~A good friend will come bail u out of jail but a TRUE friend will be sittin next 2 u sayin.. "DAMN WE FUCKED UP!"
~Weiner Dogs
~Indoor Rock Climbing
~Rockclimbing
~Blizzards
~Little black dress
~Chubby Cheeks
~Pearls
~Freckles
~Bow ties
~Curly Hair
~Polka Dots
~Not Caring What People Think
~Brie cheese
~Garden gnome
~Fuzzy Socks
~Dancing Like No One Is Watching
~Sunburns
~Comic Book Guy
~Eating Bananas
~Knitting
~Rainbows
~Beach volleyball
~Having Straight Teeth
~Doodling
~Brushing Teeth
~Glitter
~Unicorns
~Ray Ban Wayfarer
~riding shopping carts down hills!
~Pepperoni pizza
~I Want Long Hair
~I Love Falling Asleep in the Arms of Someone Who Loves Me
~Running Away
~I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you & smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i cant brighten my own. <3 <3
~She will chase you around for a while; but theres going to be a day when she's gonna stop running in circles around you. She's gonna get over you & at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you. ♥
~A person who truly loves you will never let you go, no matter how hard the situation is.
~Every women deserves a man who looks at her every day like it's the first time he saw her.
~Don't shed your tears for someone who hurt you... Don't long for that person if they left... Don't feel sorry if you failed when you tried ur best...
~You Can Only Push a Girl Away for So Long Until She Walks Out of Your Life on Her Own
~Long Walks on the Beach
~English Bulldogs
~Holding hands
~Tea
~Poppies
~If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ♥
~French language
~Hanging Out With My Boyfriendwith Will Allstead
~Dying My Hair
~Laughing at Everything
~Sailing
~Being a California Girlwith Julie Guy
~I am strong because I am weak. I'm beautiful because I know my flaws. I'm a lover because I am a fighter. I'm fearless because I have been afraid. I'm wise because I have been foolish. & I can laugh because I Have known sadness.
~Laughing at Myself
~Smiling at the bitch who hates you, just because it makes her hate you even more :P
~Getting the Most Out of Life
~Writing Poetry
~Dance
~
NPR, sean hayes so all in all, i like a lot of stuff. and don't worry, the list gets longer ;) love, maddie |
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